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Today, i told mine girlfriend I required someone to talk to because I just found out mine aunt has cancer. She called me to talk to she in one hour, Spongebob was on. FML
Today, ns realised the I have actually fallen because that the many amazing girl. She's great looking, has actually a great personality, she's funny and also is a hit v all my friends yet she doesn't seem come realise she has actually a human body odor problem. FML
Today, I saw the mall v a couple of friends. When walking through the parking lot, we witnessed a an extremely dirty car. Friend couldn't even see the within of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." after doing so, the driver got out that the car. FML

Send help

Today, I gained stuck in mine building's elevator. I propelled the emergency button, which do a ringing noise. After about fifty percent an hour, i heard someone yell, "Stop pushing the button, my children are sleeping." FML
Today, I experienced an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. The wasn't specifically as poor as I'd have expected. Simply a lot worse. FML
Today, my contact split totally in half at a wedding. Not just did i interrupt the vows with my scream the pain, however I was just able to fish out half of it. FML
Today, this vast wasp began flying about me. I freaked out and started to run from it. Then ns slipped, landed face-first in part dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML
Today, my girlfriend and also I acquired in an discussion so extreme that she left saying the we essential to invest some time apart. The argument was end what was the ideal PIXAR movie. FML

New revelation

Today, mine Dad sat me down and told me that ns was adopted. Ns was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked that why he'd never ever told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML
Today, I gained married. After ~ the ceremony, mine sister asked to speak to me. I complied with her and also she said me the we space no much longer related due to the fact that we don't have actually the exact same last surname anymore. FML
Today, ns overcame my lack of social confidence and also got a date for the an initial time in 10 or therefore years. After ~ a while, my date admitted the she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identification disorder. Ns guess it's back to gift single. FML
Today, together I perform every morning, i woke up and also gave my dog, who sleeps beside me, a kiss top top the nose. Except that this morning he had been resting the other means round. I kissed him on the arse. FML
Today, I discovered some charges on my credit card for 2 round pilgrimage tickets to ras Vegas. Turns out mine daughter and also her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to vegas over the weekend to gain married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

Leaking all over the place

Today, my practically ex-husband dubbed in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd referred to as 911 due to a gas leak in ~ the house. I come over, after i m sorry the fire department and also gas company inspected, and they uncovered the issue. The dog. The dog farted so negative it smelled prefer rotten eggs and also was mistaken for a gas leak. FML
Today, mine perfectly healthy and balanced grandmother pertained to stay for Christmas. First, she encouraged my family members to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she request she should likewise have a bucket come piss in under my bed too. FML
Today, while having actually fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies gained the finest of him and also his nose started running. Every time that kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. As soon as I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML
Today, I dropped off my boyfriend's motorcycle. I had a few scrapes and also bruises, and my boyfriend called for an ambulance together a precaution. The paramedics controlled to drop me on mine head. FML
Today, I got a cute girl's number because that the very first time. Too negative it was since she rear finished my car. FML
Today, i bought my crush a bouquet of roses to add one fake. The line was going come be, "I'll prevent loving you as soon as the last rose dies." ns told my finest friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea the he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess: v who got the girl. FML

*recoils in horror*

Today, ns am violent allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this since after last night's quickie ~ above the sofa, ns now have actually a rash almost everywhere my skin and also weeping sores inside my vagina and also around mine bum hole. FML
Today, i took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had actually noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my various other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laugh at me. FML
Today, I brought a friend that I have actually loved for years out to a quite restaurant because that dinner. Ns ordered one expensive bottle of wine, and poured each of us a glass. As I was around to call her ns loved her, she elevated her glass because that a toast and said "A toast come friendship!" FML
Today, I had actually an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or negative occasions. Mine girlfriend determined to make a "break-up" card, and I assisted her compose the poem inside it. After class, she offered it to me. FML

Just a prank, bro!

Today my brother disconnected my internet and made my job bar disappear. I spent 2 hours trying to settle it, when I figured out I just had to restart the computer. Now I'm a little behind ~ above assignments. FML
Today, i swerved to stop hitting a dog the ran in front of my car. The dog to be fine however I struggle a roadway sign, ripped turn off my rearview mirror, and also cracked mine passenger side window. As soon as I got out to research the damages to mine car, the dog growled at me. FML
Today, ~ a couple of beers, ns was exiting the toilet of a loud home party once the door jammed. I had to rise out with the shower window. It was fool proof till my foot acquired stuck. I hung exterior the residence upside down in the dark yelling because that an hour prior to someone identified where i was. FML
Today, mine bitchy co-worker chose that being offered a compliment on her shoes is sex-related harassment, and also worthy of report me to our ceo over. FML
Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on mine thighs. Ns didn't stop to think that world outside would certainly think i was masturbating. FML


Today, I dubbed my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Currently my mom's mad in ~ my dad for forgetting, and also my dad's mad at me because that reminding her. FML
Today, I found out mine soon-to-be husband and also father of my unborn kid is currently married to one more man. FML
Today, I had to gain a colonoscopy. Which wouldn't have actually been so poor if they had removed the camera from my rectum prior to waking me up. FML
Today, i was hit through a sudden advice to shit. I knew it was going to it is in a negative one, so ns ran out of the meeting. Ns made it to the restroom in time, yet I forgot come lift the lid. FML
Today, I got our gas bill for around £200. My flatmate felt the this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily said them to recalculate the bill. Lock did. We now owe £300. FML
Today, my husband determined he would quite rage-wank to mine mum's on facebook profile picture than make love come me. FML
Today, mine partner and also I to be spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some tune lyrics, saying "If you desire to it is in happy because that the rest of her life, do an ugly woman your wife...". Us all laughed, and then my companion said "Boy, you acquired THAT right." FML
Today, mine girlfriend called me she is break up with me because that my friend, since she likes human being with diaper fetishes. I had actually no clue one of two people of them liked...
Today, for the 2nd week in a row, ns woke up to the sound the my horrible upstairs neighbors having sex between the hrs of 1 and 3 AM. Their bed is so...

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